Hola mis amigos!
I thought I would give some of my thoughts as my departure date is drawing nearer, and maybe some future missionaries might be having some of the same thoughts as I am.
The language barrier is glaring me in the face and making me more and more fearful. When I got my call, I studied spanish seriously alllll day, but as time has gone on and my "to-do" lists have gotten longer, I have found myself unable to keep up the rate that I started studying. I feel like I make progress and talk to someone who knows spanish and the normal response is "yes that's how you say it, but in the DR they probably won't say it like that, and it'll be 100x faster and you won't be able to understand because they cut off the end of words and take out the s's..." To say that response was a helpful tip, is a major overstatement. Comments like these are things I hear on a daily basis, and it's starting to really break me down rather than build me up.
The hardest thing is something I never, ever expected to be hard. When people ask where I am going, the response is almost always the same: "That's great! Have you heard that ... (negative thing).... about the DR?" I thought my mission really just must be the most dangerous or something, but unfortunately mine is not. I asked other almost-missionaries if they were getting the same response, some going state-side and some foreign, and they said they all got the same response. No matter where someone is going, people feel the need to bring up all of the negative aspects to their mission. I really wish more people understood that, yes we as missionaries are aware of the negatives however, we like to focus on the positives.
My last thoughts are that, as I've read many missionary stories, I worry about what kind of missionary I will be. I've made a lot of goals, but am I able to keep them all? Am I able to always represent Christ?
But as I have been stressing more and more, I also feel the power of my Heavenly Father comforting me. I feel peace in the storm and within my worries. I know that Satan is doing everything he can to stop me from going, but he won't succeed unless I let him. I have to keep filling my life with light, and combating the darkness with my Heavenly Father's love. I know this isn't the happiest blog post in the world, and I really am doing well overall and so excited to go, but I am aware that many almost-missionaries are struggling with Satan holding them back. If that is you, maybe these words can strengthen you, or let you know that you are not the only one feeling the pressures of going on a mission. I just want you to know that, if you keep relying on that light, keep doing the little things we are asked to do as well as reading your patriarchal blessing and doing service, that you will be able to beat the worries and the fears. It can all replace with confidence and excitement. I'm getting to that point where, those comments people say and those fears I have, are dwindling. I'm finding ways to trust in God more and more, and I find the best way I can do that is by reading the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon truly is a powerful book that can change lives and bring an immense amount of peace flowing in the midst of our fears. When you are going on a mission, you are challenged to read the BoM one more time all the way through before entering the MTC. I used to think this was so that we were more familiar with it and be able to teach more efficiently. Although this might be the case, I believe it is also because church leaders are aware that Satan works extra-hard on missionaries and the Book of Mormon is a powerful tool to use to strengthen us in these harder times. There is something about reading that Book that my fears just vanish and my faith strengthens the more I dive in!
So my overpowering thoughts are not the ones that made me more broken-down I mentioned at the beginning of this post. The one thought that is more powerful than any of the others is that, my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to participate in His work. No negatives are ever strong enough to beat that one major positive. Focus on that, and be optimistic. The future is as bright as your faith.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Why Does God Give Me What I CAN'T Handle?
I have heard many times in my life phrases such as,
"God gives his hardest battles to His strongest soldiers"
"God won't give you anything you can't handle".
Because of such phrases, which for me offered minimal comfort, I have found many frustrating nights in my life calling out to God and saying "You were only supposed to give me what I could handle!" To me, these phrases are lonely and discouraging. What happens when i'm in the heat of a battle and i'm so exhausted from wounds that I feel I can literally step no further, fight no harder, move no quicker? Am I just supposed to quit the battle because I guess I really am not strong enough? What happens when i'm going through such a hard trial and I can't handle it, and I can't just say "you are right, I am strong" and just move on? I have found moments in my life feeling like God must not have good judgments on me because I am not one of his stronger soldiers, and I can't go through this terrible battle.
It wasn't until one night of the beginning of my freshman year of college that I changed those phrases to something entirely different. I was sitting in the library on campus staring at my books. I recently failed a test I had studied hours for (which I was not used to, to say the least), and had a discouraging pile of homework to do. I was staring at my laptop screen which seemed to absorb despair as it poured from my fingertips into the system. In the midst of this academic frustration, I was also having issues with some family members and also some friends. One of my very best friends confessed some lies he had told me and had basically turned his back on me. I closed my laptop, put my head down, and decided I couldn't do this anymore. I had worn myself 100% out.
This was not the college life I pictured when I saw my acceptance letter, in fact, it was quite the opposite. I thought no matter how hard it would get, I could push through. I was strong enough to man-up to any battle college had in store for me. I was God's strong soldier who was willing to go through the fire for Him because I am strong... right?
Well, at that moment I was anything but strong. I pulled out my Book of Mormon and started to read because it was the only thing I felt I could do to help me not break down in the middle of study rush-hour. I remember finally, at least for a moment, feeling light. I felt stronger, but not strong... does that make sense? I felt strength beyond my own that sustained me but didn't give me all the strength I needed. I needed to start moving, and step by step things got easier and I started tackling the monsters in front of me.
Is that what taking upon us the yoke of Christ is? When I was younger I used to think the yoke of Christ was the breakfast Christ must make (haha). But the yoke is like an oxen's yoke. We both need to pull but Christ doesn't quit, He doesn't turn around, He helps and supports us every single moment. Or, we can try to do it on our own. We can convince ourselves that anything is within our ability to handle. We can do anything, God doesn't give us stuff that we can't handle anyway... right? I don't believe so. I believe God gives us some trials (not all) that we need to rely on Him and the Savior's Atonement to get through. We need to step with Christ as we take His yoke, and he will make the burden light.
Mosiah 24:15: And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
The burdens were made light! They needed their burdens to be made light, so what happened? They were strengthened! They needed a strengthening power that them, themselves, could not offer one another. Every one of those faithful followers felt depleted under immense trials, and they needed someone to strengthen them. They were facing trials they couldn't handle on their own, and they needed God. And their burdens weren't taken away or made easier, but they were made light because the people were made stronger. I believe we apply the atonement by believing that we can be strengthened through God through hard trials. I believe in a God that sometimes gives us things we need His help to get through, and He will. As my Book of Mormon professor, Brother Marsh, put it along the lines of,
My family had a scare with my baby sister last week. For a moment, I guess we thought we would lose her. For my sisters and I at girls camp, it really was for a moment because we found out she had almost drowned after she was okay. I guess it wasn't a trial because she was okay, but in that moment before hearing the good I felt like my whole insides crumbled into dust, and I was empty. I was watching "Heaven Is For Real" And the dad says that when he thought his son was going to die, a piece of him broke and stayed broken, even though his son was okay. I teared up because I completely understood. Part of me broke that day, a part of me I don't think will ever be 100% fixed until after this life. In an instant, and thankfully for an instant, I felt my world shatter from losing a loved one. I kept focusing on the "what ifs" and the "alternatives that could have happened" or "guilt because I wasn't there in case it was worse". I'm very grateful she is okay, and I can't imagine what I would feel like if she was actually gone now. But, I believe that, if she had passed away I would have needed God. God doesn't give me trials so that I can do it all alone and try to be the "best possible soldier by never asking for my generals help". No, God is the general that wants us deeply to ask him for help and support. I don't believe He throws His strongest soldiers, based off physical and emotional strength, into the battle. I believe He throws some of His soldiers into the heat of the war because He believes they will ask Him for Help. He knows they will be able to feel His love and see Him in His enabling power to get them to keep moving forward. I like to think God gives the hardest battles to some of his most humble soldiers (and also soldiers who need to be humbled).
When we try to eliminate the need for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the equation of our trials I believe sure, we can get through them, but it will be a lot more painful. When we simply put out "He won't give us anything WE can't handle" And make the We an "I" we forget the need for The Atonement. Instead I like to think,
"He sometimes gives me what I can't handle, so that WE (The Godhead + Me) can handle it together"
"God gives his hardest battles to His strongest soldiers"
"God won't give you anything you can't handle".
Because of such phrases, which for me offered minimal comfort, I have found many frustrating nights in my life calling out to God and saying "You were only supposed to give me what I could handle!" To me, these phrases are lonely and discouraging. What happens when i'm in the heat of a battle and i'm so exhausted from wounds that I feel I can literally step no further, fight no harder, move no quicker? Am I just supposed to quit the battle because I guess I really am not strong enough? What happens when i'm going through such a hard trial and I can't handle it, and I can't just say "you are right, I am strong" and just move on? I have found moments in my life feeling like God must not have good judgments on me because I am not one of his stronger soldiers, and I can't go through this terrible battle.
It wasn't until one night of the beginning of my freshman year of college that I changed those phrases to something entirely different. I was sitting in the library on campus staring at my books. I recently failed a test I had studied hours for (which I was not used to, to say the least), and had a discouraging pile of homework to do. I was staring at my laptop screen which seemed to absorb despair as it poured from my fingertips into the system. In the midst of this academic frustration, I was also having issues with some family members and also some friends. One of my very best friends confessed some lies he had told me and had basically turned his back on me. I closed my laptop, put my head down, and decided I couldn't do this anymore. I had worn myself 100% out.
This was not the college life I pictured when I saw my acceptance letter, in fact, it was quite the opposite. I thought no matter how hard it would get, I could push through. I was strong enough to man-up to any battle college had in store for me. I was God's strong soldier who was willing to go through the fire for Him because I am strong... right?
Well, at that moment I was anything but strong. I pulled out my Book of Mormon and started to read because it was the only thing I felt I could do to help me not break down in the middle of study rush-hour. I remember finally, at least for a moment, feeling light. I felt stronger, but not strong... does that make sense? I felt strength beyond my own that sustained me but didn't give me all the strength I needed. I needed to start moving, and step by step things got easier and I started tackling the monsters in front of me.
Is that what taking upon us the yoke of Christ is? When I was younger I used to think the yoke of Christ was the breakfast Christ must make (haha). But the yoke is like an oxen's yoke. We both need to pull but Christ doesn't quit, He doesn't turn around, He helps and supports us every single moment. Or, we can try to do it on our own. We can convince ourselves that anything is within our ability to handle. We can do anything, God doesn't give us stuff that we can't handle anyway... right? I don't believe so. I believe God gives us some trials (not all) that we need to rely on Him and the Savior's Atonement to get through. We need to step with Christ as we take His yoke, and he will make the burden light.
Mosiah 24:15: And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
The burdens were made light! They needed their burdens to be made light, so what happened? They were strengthened! They needed a strengthening power that them, themselves, could not offer one another. Every one of those faithful followers felt depleted under immense trials, and they needed someone to strengthen them. They were facing trials they couldn't handle on their own, and they needed God. And their burdens weren't taken away or made easier, but they were made light because the people were made stronger. I believe we apply the atonement by believing that we can be strengthened through God through hard trials. I believe in a God that sometimes gives us things we need His help to get through, and He will. As my Book of Mormon professor, Brother Marsh, put it along the lines of,
"You can decide to do it on your own, and I guess you can. Eventually, at least. The road will be a lot harder and a lot lonelier if you do the extremely hard things believing you can do it by yourself. But, if you ask for God's help and others, you will find the journey to be more enjoyable and more rewarding. Some trials we get, we need God's help. And if we choose not to take it, I guess there is still a chance you can get through it. You'll come out with a lot more battle scars and tears though."
My family had a scare with my baby sister last week. For a moment, I guess we thought we would lose her. For my sisters and I at girls camp, it really was for a moment because we found out she had almost drowned after she was okay. I guess it wasn't a trial because she was okay, but in that moment before hearing the good I felt like my whole insides crumbled into dust, and I was empty. I was watching "Heaven Is For Real" And the dad says that when he thought his son was going to die, a piece of him broke and stayed broken, even though his son was okay. I teared up because I completely understood. Part of me broke that day, a part of me I don't think will ever be 100% fixed until after this life. In an instant, and thankfully for an instant, I felt my world shatter from losing a loved one. I kept focusing on the "what ifs" and the "alternatives that could have happened" or "guilt because I wasn't there in case it was worse". I'm very grateful she is okay, and I can't imagine what I would feel like if she was actually gone now. But, I believe that, if she had passed away I would have needed God. God doesn't give me trials so that I can do it all alone and try to be the "best possible soldier by never asking for my generals help". No, God is the general that wants us deeply to ask him for help and support. I don't believe He throws His strongest soldiers, based off physical and emotional strength, into the battle. I believe He throws some of His soldiers into the heat of the war because He believes they will ask Him for Help. He knows they will be able to feel His love and see Him in His enabling power to get them to keep moving forward. I like to think God gives the hardest battles to some of his most humble soldiers (and also soldiers who need to be humbled).
When we try to eliminate the need for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the equation of our trials I believe sure, we can get through them, but it will be a lot more painful. When we simply put out "He won't give us anything WE can't handle" And make the We an "I" we forget the need for The Atonement. Instead I like to think,
"He sometimes gives me what I can't handle, so that WE (The Godhead + Me) can handle it together"
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Why Harry Potter References Should Be Used In More Lessons at Church
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" -Albus Dumbledore. (Harry Potter rocks my world).
I was reading the news this week and just was totally overwhelmed with feelings of despair and fear. I was honestly wondering how I could handle living on my own for 18 months because it's just getting worse and worse! But I watched Harry Potter and this quote really helped me (haha). Happiness really can be found in the darkest of times, if we remember to turn on the light that living the gospel has to offer. We don't need to fear when we allow God to shed His light into our lives and allow Him to guide and direct us by being obedient to Him.
Two correlating scriptures can be D&C 59:23 and a New Testament Story:
He who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace (not a perfect life, but peace in the trials) in this world, and eternal life in the world to come.
In the New Testament there is a passage about the tempest raging while Christ and His disciples are on a boat. While the storm is raging from every side Christ is sleeping, and the disciples ask, "carest thou not that we perish?" And Christ calms the storm and asks why they feared. It reminds me that life won't always be perfect by following Christ, but I will be okay. The ship won't sink but it can rock. I can have peace knowing that I can't and won't sink if I am on the Lord's side.
Our ship will go up and down in our lives. We will have great moments, and we will have dreadful ones. We can experience the love of our God in both of those moments. Our lives will never be forever in the same place- they will be either moving up or down, but as Brad Wilcox put it: "Our lives are like a heartbeat- the ups and downs let us know we are alive".
Remember that in your times of darkness or loneliness, Jesus Christ will always be there for you. Remember that when you go through failure or rejection, it's an opportunity to feel more deeply what Christ felt and become more like Him, because he faced so much rejection during His mortal ministry. You can find peace if you rely on Him and ask for His help and comfort.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
ONEREPUBLIC [I never post about my life adventures on my blog but this concert earned a definite blog post]
Annie, Calli, Rachel, and I are all in the car before the concert. We decided to go get some chick-fil-a before heading up there. Of course, as my typical wrong self I say, "Hey don't worry about time, we have flashseats so we can take as long as we want." That wasn't the case. We got stuck in an hour long traffic. We missed all of American Authors, and half of The Script (which was a big bummer to the rest of the group, but I was mostly just excited to see OneRepublic). We ran in and quickly got some t-shirts and then found our seats.
Danny O'Donoghue, main singer of The Script, came right next to us!!
Danny O'Donoghue, main singer of The Script, came right next to us!!
And then we took some pictures to kill time between the two bands...
And then I found out how much better an actual camera takes pictures vs. an iPhone
All in all, it was an amazing night!!
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Dirty Feet
Before I begin my blog post: if you feel like you need a pick-me-up I recommend reading this great blog post done by a girl who is going to my same mission! Her name is Kelsey Davis and she graduated from BYU as an English Major... so her writing is stellar. Enjoy :)
http://crackermuffin.blogspot.com/2014/06/great-people-do-things-before-theyre.html
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Dirty Feet.
My baby sister loves the outdoors with a serious passion that has the whole family worried (because who knows if she will find a way to get outside without us knowing!?). She spends a lot of her time out in the drive way, tramp, and everywhere around the dirt. When she finally accepts to come inside happily her feet are filthy. Noticing her dirty feet I feel inclined to take her up to the bath and wash them for her because she can't really do it herself.
I thought her feet were gross, until I found out what the New Testament 12 Apostles feet conditions were. In those times it was normal for some people to go for a month without bathing. On top of that, there were animal droppings, improper shoes, and dirt everywhere. If you were a person of certain status, you would have your servants washing your feet. This job was considered one of the lowest, dirtiest, grossest job to have to perform.
John 13:13-14 is after Jesus cleans his disciples feet. I never thought much of this until my class and finding out the context of their "dirty feet". Picture this: The King of Kings, the creator of worlds, the Savior of all, The Prince of Peace, The only perfect person to ever walk this earth... doing the worst job in the
world.
....why?
In these verses Jesus teaches "ye call me Master and Lord and ye saw well: for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet, ye also ought to wash one another's feet."
This story could easily be a lesson on service and helping those around us, because Jesus didn't hesitate to do the worst jobs to help others; However, as I pondered this event I realized this could tie into The Atonement.
The Highest of The High, Goes The Lowest of the Low.
A person who was perfect, spotless, and was not guilty of the punishments of each of us (or the dirtiest of our feet so to say) but stooped down so low and took all the blame and punishment for us if we would repent, so "our feet" can be clean. This story became much less a story about 12 Apostles, and much more a story about me. If I trust in the Savior and repent, He truly can take the dirtiness and misery away from my life. He can make me clean again, just as clean as I was when I came out of the baptismal waters. The fact that The Savior did this for us doesn't just make a small difference in our lives like cleaning feet. The fact that the Savior did this for us makes all the difference because He cleans our souls.
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http://crackermuffin.blogspot.com/2014/06/great-people-do-things-before-theyre.html
-------------------
Dirty Feet.
My baby sister loves the outdoors with a serious passion that has the whole family worried (because who knows if she will find a way to get outside without us knowing!?). She spends a lot of her time out in the drive way, tramp, and everywhere around the dirt. When she finally accepts to come inside happily her feet are filthy. Noticing her dirty feet I feel inclined to take her up to the bath and wash them for her because she can't really do it herself.
I thought her feet were gross, until I found out what the New Testament 12 Apostles feet conditions were. In those times it was normal for some people to go for a month without bathing. On top of that, there were animal droppings, improper shoes, and dirt everywhere. If you were a person of certain status, you would have your servants washing your feet. This job was considered one of the lowest, dirtiest, grossest job to have to perform.
John 13:13-14 is after Jesus cleans his disciples feet. I never thought much of this until my class and finding out the context of their "dirty feet". Picture this: The King of Kings, the creator of worlds, the Savior of all, The Prince of Peace, The only perfect person to ever walk this earth... doing the worst job in the
world.
....why?
In these verses Jesus teaches "ye call me Master and Lord and ye saw well: for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet, ye also ought to wash one another's feet."
This story could easily be a lesson on service and helping those around us, because Jesus didn't hesitate to do the worst jobs to help others; However, as I pondered this event I realized this could tie into The Atonement.
The Highest of The High, Goes The Lowest of the Low.
A person who was perfect, spotless, and was not guilty of the punishments of each of us (or the dirtiest of our feet so to say) but stooped down so low and took all the blame and punishment for us if we would repent, so "our feet" can be clean. This story became much less a story about 12 Apostles, and much more a story about me. If I trust in the Savior and repent, He truly can take the dirtiness and misery away from my life. He can make me clean again, just as clean as I was when I came out of the baptismal waters. The fact that The Savior did this for us doesn't just make a small difference in our lives like cleaning feet. The fact that the Savior did this for us makes all the difference because He cleans our souls.
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Monday, June 9, 2014
Unwrapping A Dead Man's Wraps ??
Most 19 year old girls in the world would find this sort of idea far from normal or peculiar to say the least.
Before I dive more into this recent development, i'm going to dive into a very insightful story from John 11. This is the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead (which in and of itself is awesome) but until my class this week I hadn't thought a lot about the other characters involved in this story: particularly Jesus and those observing Lazarus arising.
As I have noted in previous blog posts, it is sometimes natural to jump and look only at the physical miracles Jesus performed in the New Testament. Although it is wonderful that He did those miracles, we sometimes forget to look at the spiritual miracles in the story as well.
#1: Jesus Mourns with Those That Mourn (Sound familiar?)
John 11:35 : "Jesus Wept"
Reading this my first time through, I assumed He was crying because He was sad for Lazarus. In my New Testament class we discussed how Jesus knew that He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead before He did it. So then comes the question... why is Jesus crying? My professor proposed a wonderful idea, which in summary he said: You guys, we look to Jesus who cries when we cry. When we are baptized we promise to mourn with those that mourn, and Jesus is the ultimate exemplar in this story. He isn't crying for Lazarus dying because He knows He is going to raise him. He is crying because He looks around and sees all of these people that He loves... crying.
This part of the scriptures jumped out to me as it never had before. We are saved by the Son of God... who mourns with us because he loves us. I ask you, how can you better mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort? I know I can do better at sympathizing with others and I will begin trying harder because this story gave me motivation towards doing better at that.
#2: "Move the Rock and Unwrap Him"
John 11:39, 44 : "And Jesus said, Take ye away the stone...Loose him and let him go."
Isn't it interesting that Jesus had the power to move the stone alone, but asked those watching to do it instead? We discussed in class how this was a total leap of faith: an outward expression at their internal faith in the Son's power. The second thing He asked was much harder: to unwrap Lazarus. Keep in mind this is 4 days after Lazarus is declared dead, he stinks, and at this time in history you were considered unclean if you were to touch a dead body. This was a complete separation from any social norm that they were used to. Why? Why does Jesus make us do hard things that are so out of our comfort zone??
I believe it's once again a leap of faith. I also think that He wanted to give these people an opportunity to help Lazarus so that they all can grow into better people.
#3: Miracles don't change people, the Holy Ghost and personal conversion does.
John 11:46 : "But some of them went there ways to the Pharisees..."
I can't reiterate enough that physical miracles do not cut it. Sometimes they happen, and sometimes they don't; what really changes a person is faith and conversion through the power of the Holy Ghost. So many people demand signs and wonders to believe in God but this story alone tells us that even raising a man who was dead for 4 days back to life does not equate to a perfect and lasting testimony. These were amazing miracles, but let's try our hardest to focus on our internal, spiritual miracles in our own lives: because those last an eternity unlike physical miracles that eventually die out.
I love this story because as I studied the different characters and the things Jesus asked them to do, it teaches me that I will be asked to do hard things. I can choose to follow Jesus, or I can choose to follow someone else. But that someone else can't motivate me, change me, or love me the way that Jesus can and does.
When I got my official call from the Lord to serve my mission, I was ecstatic beyond what words can say. Although it was really exciting, those moments only briefly lasted before opposition slapped me in the face. There have been really great moments ever since getting my call, and really hard ones as well.
I can not tell you enough how much the knowledge that :
a) Jesus asks me to do hard things to change me into a better person,
b) I have been asked to "unwrap" people in the Dominican Republic from the bondage of the blindness of the world. In other words, I have been called to help people feel free, whole, and complete, by teaching them how they can use the atonement of Jesus Christ in their own lives.
c) I have being lead by a perfect being; one who loves me, mourns with me, and rejoices with me.
Has helped me in my own moments of peril when I am thinking: Why in the world am I doing something so hard and out of my comfort zone?
As you go through your moments of wondering how in the world you are going to do something out of your comfort zone that God has asked you to do (like a new calling, a new job, a new major...) remember that you are being lead by a god who loves you, who stretches you, and most importantly who changes you.
Last I ask you: How can you help those who are wrapped up in hard times? Who feel like there is no escape from their own wrappings? There are angels around us, and sometimes you are one of them.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Here's To The Blind:
"I once was lost, but now am found.
Was blind, but now I see." -Amazing Grace
I won't sugar coat it: Having eye problems my whole life has not been easy. Over and over again I heard the phrase, "Hey, it could be a lot worse. You could be completely blind, or not have eyes at all!" Yup, I agreed every time and I still do because in reality it could always be worse. But sometimes, in my moments of eye pain or frustration I find it really hard to pretend it's not there or not "bad" enough to cry over.
One of the only joys I've really been able to find from this life-long trial is the fact that I have huge glasses, so when I pull them away from my face it makes my eyes huge and makes other people laugh (especially my baby sister).
2 years ago my life was so different, and my eyes took a bad turn for the worse. I woke up on the fourth of July, 2012, with red eyes that I could barely open. Sunlight was torture and any bright light was agonizing. For once, I felt what it would be like to be completely blind because I tried keeping my eyes closed as much as possible. I remember that morning falling on my knees, begging for a miracle for my eyes to be healed, but to no avail. What was once a prayer for help, became a prayer of grief. My heart broke as I prayed for what seemed like eternity about my eyes and how hard it was to live with them.
Because it was a holiday, mostly every single eye-doctor wasn't at work. My pain was worsening throughout the day and my frustration was growing because I was so confused on what was going on with my eyes. I kept praying for a miracle that a doctor could be working, and for the first time that day my prayer was answered the way I had hoped. I was able to go to an appointment at LensCrafter while they examined my eyes. They discovered a huge ulcer on the top of my right eye and the beginning of another one on my left. Some makeup had gotten on my contacts, and when I accidentally fell asleep with them in, the makeup scratched my eyes. I remember walking out of the appointment that day completely discouraged, closing my eyes I began to pray.
There are some trials that are hard enough individually, that imagining the fact that "it could be worse" doesn't actually help you feel any better. But there is something that does make us feel better, Jesus Christ and His Atonement.
Mark 10: 46-53 tells the story of Bartimaeus, a blind man in Jericho. The story goes that as Christ was passing by he began calling out to him for mercy and help, even though the other handicapped people surrounded him rebuked him. Jesus hears him, and then stands still. He then asks others to bring Bartimaeus to him. When he arrives, Jesus asks him what he desires and he asks for his sight. In vs. 53 it reads, "And Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. And immediately he received his sight, and followed Jesus in the way."
As I studied this story in my New Testament, this old 4th of July experience played back in my head. As I was closing my eyes, that I began to pray to know that Jesus knew how I felt, and I felt so much comfort and peace that I knew that He went through all of this eye pain so that he could truly love and help me.
That moment reminds me of the end of the story of Bartimaeus. No, my eyesight was not completely cured like Bartimaeus but that day my eyes were completely opened. Christ tells Bartimaeus to go his way and what does he do? He makes his way Christ's way as he follows him. I believe that we have 2 main choices in life that effect everything: If we will go our own way, or Christ's. I believe that the choice I made that day to trust that Christ knew how I felt changed my life forever. I'm not perfect at it, and it will be something I will work on my whole life, but I found solace that day by applying the atonement of Jesus Christ in my life.
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