I Am Not Smart

I wanted to post an obligatory blog post describing my experiences on the first half of my second semester at BYU, but a lot has happened and I feel I need to write about something else. I feel that I should write about the biggest thing that I have learned:

I am not smart (as far as the popular definition goes).

I am surrounded by people who "walked into the ACT without studying and got a 33" or "thought American Heritage was the easiest class in the world and didn't even need to study" or "got into Harvard but turned it down because they knew BYU would be a breeze". Although smooth sailing looks golden and desirable, I seriously find myself questioning whether or not it is a more (or less) advantageous lifestyle. People like this are known as "SMART". I seriously question how such a word has such authenticity that we use it on a regular basis and tend to judge people on the "smartness" scale strictly based off of this "easy" learning life.

Does being smart mean that you can get A's on anything without studying? Does it mean that you can somehow fit fancy words together magically so that you get higher essay scores? Does being smart mean that you got into Harvard, Yale, or Stanford? Does it mean you are a chemical engineering major or math major?

Because if that's what smart is, I am not smart.

On the contrary, if someone were to look at my life by judging on this type of scale, they would classify me as someone who would probably be unsuccessful at a prestigious university.

Recently I read a post from a girl who said (summarizing) "Hearing girls complain about their food and health tests while i'm over here studying [insert intelligent educational word] equations is annoying" or something too that degree. In no way am I discounting those who are science and math majors, in fact I highly respect you. Those classes are difficult because of the competition and programs. Do I think that memorizing recipes is easier than memorizing physics equations? Absolutely.

But that's the point. To me that is easier, along with the girl who posted that. But who is to say how much work it takes someone else to memorize a recipe? Or a physics equation? Just because they are studying food and health, are they not "qualified" for a university like BYU? Do they not get just as much out of college as someone who does major in one of the "smartier" majors?

I find myself worrying that this is how students not only measure how smart someone else, but how smart they are.

In conclusion I'd like to share a story about my best friend, Elder Heimuli.

One time when we were younger (around 8th grade) he showed me how he could play any song that he listened to on the piano. He could play anything by ear and was very good at it. This automatically made me a little bitter because I had been taking piano lessons since I was 4 years old and couldn't manage to do the same. Suddenly I looked at him as someone less deserving of the gifts he had. But suddenly, my anger subsided when he let me play (pitifully I might add compared to him) and he told me "It's so cool that you get to work so hard to play. It must feel so accomplishing when you get better! Want me to help you with listening by ear?" Yes, Tohi has always been well beyond his years. And he is my perfect example for this post.

There are people who are naturally smart and naturally gifted with school. I think they are fortunate to be able to catch onto concepts and ideas and remember them enough to blurt them out when appropriate. The issue isn't the smartness, it's when those people forget how to work hard. It's when they never learn that hard work is what gets people somewhere. So maybe the problem isn't that they don't know how to work, maybe it's that they look at those who have to work as somehow lesser. Tohi was perfect at accepting and using his gift, but holding no one else to his standard.

Then there are the people like me, who has to work through problems and concepts a million times until I have a chance for it to stick in my brain. The problem with people like me is that sometimes I look at those "smart" people and think somehow they are less deserving than me. They aren't.

So what is my call to action??

We no longer refer to someone as smart or dumb. Instead, we refer to someone as "skilled" in an area or "hard working". We refer to the educated as "educated in their field" not "the smartest people alive". Because there is a whole lot more to being smart than test scores and final exams. And no matter who you are, 'smart' or 'dumb', we all have to learn how to become educated in the way of living, surviving, and becoming truly human.

We all have engines in our chest that drives us. We all have dreams and hopes and accomplishments that to others might seem mundane. I call out to everyone....

accept and use your gifts, help those who need help, and don't hold anyone to your personal standard of excellence  

Quick College Update :

1. These past couple of weeks have been insanely busy, especially this week. I thought I had it bad until I saw my schedule for this week: 5 midterms, 1 final, 8 page research paper, 2 papers for psychology, visiting teaching, my grandparent's wedding, hunger games, and all the other activities I chose to participate in this week. I started off this week with no hope of surviving, and if I did my grades wouldn't. Sunday I prayed and prayed and prayed for help and miracles this week and oh my goodness I have felt overwhelmed with small miracles every day! I won't go into a ton of details because to you these miracles might seem ordinary or mundane, but to me they were answers to my prayers every day. I have felt so blessed while studying and working as I feel time has been stretched out, which is a miracle in and of itself! I've been able to finish so many things this week that I didn't have any hope of finishing and every night I wonder how it even happened. I know that it's not me, but my Heavenly Father's help in my life at school.

2. I never knew how much I took for granted at home until starving and literally eating only spaghettios and frozen dinners in my dorm. My mom is an angel for cooking so much (or at least buying cosco kits) and who knew that living took so much effort?

3. Hunger Games. Should I have done homework instead of gone last night? Probably. Do I regret it? Not at all. Catching Fire was AMAZING. It's the first time I actually loved the movie more than the book and I hope to see it over and over again. :)

4. Coaching. I'm assistant coaching cheer at MVHS and I am loving every second! It has been such a blast to work with these phenomenal high school students who are so talented and easy to work with. I really enjoy going and coaching every chance that I can because I learn so much from them (which I think is how all teachers/coaches feel sometimes). I get the opportunity to go to California next month with a portion of the team on cheer tour and I couldn't be more excited for them.

5. Thanksgiving break. Every second I get closer to the break, the closer I get to the sound I'm hearing from the angels singing hallelujah choruses. I thought it would be such a nice break (there are none of those in college, but at least they have the courtesy of calling 'you get to go home and do piles of homework and studying, but hey you're home' a break, then hey I'm satisfied), but I do indeed have many many things to get done. I'm just so excited to spend some time with my orem friends and my family! Even though I see them a lot it's not enough for me to be completely happy with our separation.

My friend asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend today and I said, "I'm going on a mission" and she said "Well get a boyfriend so he can run to the airport and propose to you and say no because of your mission, just so that you can say that happened"

BYU. Gotta love it. :)

How We Wrestle Is Who We Are

"our hearts are filled with need and greed as much as with love and grace; and we wrestle with our hearts all the time. The wrestling is who we are. How we wrestle is who we are. What we want to be is never what we are. Not yet. Maybe that’s why we have these relentless engines in our chests, driving us forward toward what we might be. If we could grow new hearts out of old ones, what might we be then? What might we be if we rise and evolve, if we come further down from the brooding trees and out onto the smiling plain, if we unclench the fist and drop the dagger, if we emerge blinking from the fort and the stockade and the prison, if we smash away the steel from around our hearts, if we peel the scales from our eyes, if we do what we say we will do, if we act as if our words really matter, if our words become muscled mercy, if we grow a fifth chamber in our hearts and a seventh and a ninth, and become as if new creatures arisen from our shucked skins, the creatures we are so patently and brilliantly and utterly and wholly and holy capable of becoming…

What then?"

-Brian Doyle

-----

I love this little passage from Brian Doyle's blog. He is talking about the wrestling we have with ourselves, intentions, and actions. Although this post inspired my post, I will be focusing on a different aspect of our "wrestle" in life. 

Today I wore my sister's shirt that says "Strong in the battle til the game is over" 

Back in high school I had a lot of friends who wrestled. Now i'm not going to start talking about wrestling like I am an expert, because I am far from it; but, i'd like to use it as my analogy. Sometimes i'd go to matches and someone would get thrown down, hard. When I say hard, I mean I'd wait for him not to get up, get pinned, and then watch the ambulance rush in. I think those moments of intensity when you lose your breath, are what (at least for me) make wrestling fun to watch. Why?

Although it seems completely impossible for him to stand back up, suddenly his arms are pushing and he is up and fighting again. By some miracle his body was able to recuperate before the opponent even has a chance to pin them on the floor.

My last blog post I talked a lot about how the Savior steps in and keeps us going, and I mean of course he does. Completely. Perfectly. 

But life isn't only about holding together; life is about standing back up when you're knocked down.

I'm talking to every girl who has ever looked in the mirror and told herself there is no way anyone could ever love her; every boy who has looked at another boy and didn't feel he could really "measure up" to a necessary standard to win anyone's approval; every person who has believed someone that said they you weren't smart or capable enough of performing a task; every person that has felt replaced; every person that feels like they just fill in empty space; every person who can't seem to ever succeed or completely accomplish every goal they ever set and told themselves it's better to just quit trying.

I'm talking to you because you are wrong. 

The will to keep fighting is something that is programmed in every single one of us. We all have a motivating drive to keep pushing. You made it this far when a million of the adversary's dark servants working on you constantly to quit. You are a fighter. You are a wrestler.

When I used to cheer, I got a major mental block with tumbling from a bad tumbling accident. I wish I could tell you that after prayer, blessings, and fasting that it magically went away and I could tumble again but that's not what happened. I never was able to tumble again. I was never able to get the skills I used to have. I frustrated many teammates and coaches at my ability to progress and then suddenly lose it all in a single practice. To many, I seemed to be a hopeless case that should just quit.
I discovered who I was through this 8 year trial. I learned that no matter what, I would never stop trying, even if I never fully recovered. Life is not about being able to always stand up and never fall, life is about learning to stand up when we fall and never lose the fight inside of us. (this will be a different post with more detail).

Going back to my wrestling analogy, my analogy is somewhat unrealistic because our opponent can't and won't win. We aren't choosing to let Satan win, because he will and has already lost everything. We are choosing to let Satan keep us down after we've been thrown down on that mat with his lies about how there is absolutely NO WAY we can get back up, but how would he know? He doesn't know what it's like to have a body, he doesn't understand us in any way shape or form. The good news is that we have a savior as our coach. A savior who knows exactly how to stand up and beat the adversary because he already has. The wrestle is to choose to get pinned by Satan's words of our inadequacy with no understanding of how we really feel, or to get back up with the help from the savior who knows exactly how we feel and has already beat the adversary?

So how we wrestle really is who we are because we become a fighter or we become a manipulated machine by the adversary. We become a dreamer who loves themselves or a quitter who can't face themselves. We become who we are meant to be, great and glorious beings, or we become a person who always had the potential to be great but held themselves back.

So become a miracle that the crowd watches in awe as you push off the ground and square yourself up to keep wrestling.

We become how we wrestle; We become how we fight; We become how we endure. 

Starting To Crack

"Nikki I can't do this!"
"Calli yes you can! The only way you get better is if you work on the bad days. It's if you keep moving forward even if you aren't progressing toward your ultimate goal. You need to look at today as an opportunity to keep trying."
"But I keep stopping myself, I can't do this"
"Yes you can. The bad days are what make the good days great. Never underestimate the strength that comes from pushing through on the bad days."
--thoughts between my sister and I at a tumbling lesson for cheer 

----


Satan wants us to believe we can't do it, that's what I keep reminding myself. It seems that every day is getting harder, and it's easier to become discouraged. I sit here waiting for things to magically get easier, homework to diminish, test scores to increase, friends to call and family to see but I know that it doesn't work like that. Patience is something that isn't inherit for me and the less patient I am the longer things seem to take.

There are days when I honestly wonder how in the world I can do this. Expectations from prominent people in my life seem to crush a huge burden onto my shoulders. I don't understand how hard work seems to fail me and it seems I have been struck with disappointment after disappointment these last couple of months and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier, until I think about my savior.

In my moments of complete despair and chaos, I start pondering about my savior and immediately there is someone there helping carry the load. The way I see it, it isn't like Christ just comes in-grabs the boulders we are carrying-and walks off; no, he walks in and puts his hands under ours and lifts and struggles with us. I have to remember that my trials and stresses aren't going to be taken from me just because I have faith and prayer, in fact I think it's quite the opposite. That faith needs to be continually tested in order to rely on my Heavenly Father and become closer to him.

College is not easy. Living on my own and adjusting is not easy. Missing my friends is not easy. I thought this would be a simple, blissful experience but I was wrong. This is the time when Satan will hit me the hardest because this is when I have to rely on my testimony. Not my friend's, parents, or leaders. It's a constant battle of what is right and what is wrong. I'm constantly questioning if I am good enough to go on a mission. It's hard to see so many spiritual giants 24/7 and believe you are even close to matching up-- at least that's what the enemy wants us to believe.

This is a hard time but the point to life isn't so that it's easy and simple, the point is to find comfort in our savior during difficult circumstances so that we can find peace.

The savior didn't just pay for our sins, though i'm entirely grateful he did. He also went through every sadness, sickness, and pain we've ever felt. He felt everything. I like to think he did this not to stand above us, but to stand with us. The savior came to earth and walked with man; The savior left earth and still walks with man. In no way am I saying we are at the same level as our savior, because we are not and we never will be. But the savior loved us enough to go through everything we'd ever go through so he knew what it was like to be an imperfect and broken person. Can you imagine that love?

So on the days (like this past week) where my test scores aren't the best, the savior understands how I feel. On the days where I miss someone, the savior knows how I feel. On the days where I know my best will never be good enough -- The savior knows how I feel. Perfectly. Completely.

I don't know if this helps anyone but remember when you start to crack, you have a savior who will stand next to you doing everything he can to hold you together.

The bad days are what make the good days great. 

2 Nephi 9:18 .. Their Joy shall be full forever 

A College Studentista

That's right. I'm a college Studentista.
It's also almost 1 AM which explains my weird words and horrid grammar.

Well I guess that's always.

Maybe college will help...


Well here I am,

I'm all moved into the dorm (pictures to come) and I'm already so excited. Another one of my roomates (not my actual, room-roomate) is moved in also! Her name is Natalie and we've already hung out twice before college so we are already the greatest of friends which just makes me 100x more comfortable.

Some people laugh at me because I talk about moving and how it was hard and how i'm lonely and it's scary, and i'm only moving to Provo! Well you know what? It doesn't matter where you move, (okay it kind of does), as much as the actual idea of moving out on your own. My mom and I went grocery shopping for my "first shop in the dorm" today. I was in shock at how suddenly I didn't know what to get and what I eat and how I eat and how expensive and what what what. Grocery shopping? I've done it 100 times with my parents before but suddenly it's so different because this is ME. I'm in my room, watching psych reruns, eating extra cheddar goldfish, contemplating if I want to get up and get myself some sunny D, and writing a post. And I'm on my own. Like I'm old... and growing up. My parents aren't here to ask me when I have work next week or what time i'm getting up for church tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out where the ward is and what time tomorrow around BYU and i'm so excited in my confusion.

In the mist of this chaos, i'm finding peace and joy and excitement. This is CRAZY. It hasn't hit me. I feel like i'm here for EFY or a camp and i'll be home in a couple of weeks. But that's not the case.

This is my new home.

and I couldn't be more excited.

Here's to a new start, a new school, and new life! (even if i'm only one city away)

:)

-carry on-

Bittersweet

I think you have all heard every senior that graduated say that this whole 'growing up' experience is quote "bittersweet". So i'm not going to go into too much detail or else you'd get bored of reading because you've read the same type of things 100 times.

But last night I had a dream I was at a high school basketball game again. But I wasn't cheering. It was pretty much like I was going to have another year of high school but be graduated... yeah dreams are twisted. Anyway. I was so excited to go be a bruin crazy because I never got that chance as a cheer leader. I was yelling and cheering and the stands were packed with people yelling and cheering. But instead of yelling I was looking around and looking at all my friends. When I woke up it made me sad because, 

we have moved on. 

People are gone on missions, people are leaving all over the place for college, and instead of high school being the support to keep us all hanging out, it has now fallen. High school is a memory. It's something for some reason i'll periodically have dreams about. 3 years flew past and I can't believe it. I remember at the senior all-nighter I was having the time of my life, and I was trying to talk to everyone because I knew 80% of these people I would never see this summer. I remember leaving and feeling totally satisfied. Like I knew who I'd be with all summer and I was fine with the small friend group that really stuck together after graduation. But now, even that seems to be fading. 

Everyone is ready to let go, and the scary thing is that I am too. I never thought I would be. 

I have one week left at home. 

I'm packing up everything that ever meant anything to me. Soon my room will be empty and ready for Calli to move into. My room that i've had since 6th grade. The room where I had would have late night phone calls, allnighters with my best friends, many many many sleepovers, many spider scares, cry sessions, anger sessions, happy sessions, I would read for hours in my chair, and just think in my room. And now... just like me... it's moving on. It's weird how one room can have such an emotional tie to someone. 

I've never moved. I was brought home from the hospital to this house when I was born. This has been my home since the start and I have one week. 7 days. 

I'll miss playing our piano and getting lost in the music, and having my family listen quietly on the couches in that room as I played. I'll miss my grandpa's old piano that I would play and write music on all through junior high. I'll miss sitting on the stairs watching my parents making food until they were ready to serve it. I'll miss being in my room and waking up on christmas and being the last in the line of youngest to oldest to see their stocking and presents. I'll miss halloween and watching scary movies with my friends as I help hand out candy to trick or treaters. I'll miss deep cleaning the house (weirdly) for big family parties. I'll miss watching psych for hours with my siblings. I'll miss watching my dad fill up the pool for the first time of the year every year. I'll miss late night hot tubbing. I'll miss the many MANY times I jumped on the tramp to practice some technique for tumbling for cheer. I'll miss the nights where me and whoever would lay on the hammock and look up at the stars and talk about things that are deep and meaningful. I'll miss the sheds we have when we knew we needed something out of it was the worst experience to have to dig through those monsters. I'll miss the antiques we have from my grandpa in our living room. I'll miss the living room talks. 

I'll miss yelling at my sisters for not asking to wear my clothes. I'll miss fighting over the bathroom. I'll miss fighting over the shower. I'll miss fighting over the dumbest things just to come back and hour later to say we were sorry. I'll miss my little minions and seeing them every day. I'll miss asking my little sister Danni for my 'daily hug'. I'll miss babysitting. I'll miss watching my baby sister run around every day and trip a couple of times just to laugh and get back up. I'll miss begging calli for something to wear. I'll miss Calli and I laughing about something from cheer or from the home. I'll miss her laugh and her genuine care for others. I'll miss calling her a hipster or various slang words for her style. I'll miss making up with her from a fight and hugging her until she yells at me to get off her. I'll miss giving her advice daily at home. I'll miss my first little sister. I'll miss seeing Calli and Jessi show me their new dance from cheer or watch them practice whatever they need to. I'll miss teasing Jessi about her boy life, and tickling her for answers. I'll miss my two little best friends, Calli and Jessi so much. I'll miss my brother Luc and his ever present way of asking questions. He's the smartest kid I know. I'll miss fighting over the remote with him and spots on the couch. I'll miss telling him i'd help him practice soccer or football in the front yard. I'll miss my only and precious little brother. I'll miss Danni and her crazy spunky attitude and way of making me always find a way to be happy. I'll miss dancing in the kitchen with her. I'll miss helping her with homework and I will especially missed her confused expressions. I'll miss saying Dan Dan every day. I'll miss when she runs down the stairs and wants to cuddle with me. I'll miss my little Dan Dan. I'll miss the baby, but I could go off for days about the cute things she does. I'll miss the random spurts of "we are going to start eating healthy and working out as a family" that lasts 2 weeks. I'll miss family home evenings. I'll even miss waking up at the break of dawn for family scripture study. 

I'll miss my parents. I'll miss arguing about driving the kids somewhere. I'll miss arguing about "I have plans I don't have time to clean the (insert room here)". I'll miss racing home for curfew just to walk in and see my parents happy to talk about my night. I'll miss getting ready for dances and dates and running throughout the house to find various supplies. I'll miss going down the stairs to see my dates. I'll miss getting ready for cheer and getting ready for football and basketball games. I'll miss making posters in our garage with my mom. 

I'll miss everything about this house. 

It will forever be my home. 

T- 7 days. 

-Carry on-

-Nicole 

A D V E N T U R E is out there!

Being graduated is like a completely new life, full of new things to see and do. It's crazy to be growin

up so fast because it seems like just yesterday I was starting MVHS.

A lot of people warned me and said, "It's not that different. It actually sucks a lot more. You work a lot and you lose your social life. Life isn't any better after high school. That's when real life happens" Well I am living proof that, that is wrong. Life doesn't stop when you graduate, you choose to be that way.

I have a job and I am working a ton but I LOVE IT. I love keeping busy and guess what? It's so fun to make money and be able to go do things with your friends that you normally wouldn't have the money for. I honestly don't know why everyone acts like this stage is so awful because it is so fun.

I discovered something that I never realized before.

I LOVE MOUNTAINS.

That's right.

I've lived in Utah literally my whole life and never really took the time to go hiking or explore.

I blame that on the fact that I've always been so busy with cheer and other high school activities during the summer that when I did had time I would be too tired. But now i'm free!

And I am loving every moment.

So here are some adventures from my summer thus far :

There are a lot more adventures I went on but don't have pictured.

Among which were 2 awesome group dates, and meeting two of my roomates for BYU this fall!

 

Tonight will be another night hike and I can't wait.

 

I also don't know why the underline button isn't working, but until next time.

 

Good summer :)

 

-Carry On-